They Behave (Only) For You

A few weeks ago, I asked this question on Twitter. "For those who use 'relationships' as their classroom mangement strategy, what do you expect to happen when I come in as a substitue?"

For me, a person without a blue checked account, these are pretty high engagement numbers, and it seems I struck a nerve with some. The responses I got came in two themes.

1. Nobody actually does that. Several people tried to tell me that there is "literally no one" who uses relationships as their primary strategy. I never typed it, but the response in my mind was, "Bro, do you even Twitter?" I mean, I wouldn't need to be on Twitter to know that many, many teachers use this strategy because I was alive and conscious during my career and met many teachers who believed this was the only way to go. But, you can't be on Twitter for long without seeing what a widespread belief this is. If someone expresses dismay at the behavior of students, the first and most frequent response will inevitably be to blame the teacher for not forming relationships with them. By the way, no one ever gives that poor teacher practical advice on how to do that or what it looks like, so they are left thinking they just have to be the fun teacher, leading to more chaos in their classrooms.
2. Their relationship with me will benefit you. This was the most common response by far. With minor wording differences, they all said, "Because they respect me, they will respect you and behave for you the same as they would for me." And, my Lord, what an adorably naive take this is on what happens when you are absent. If that were even a little bit true, I wouldn't have needed to post the question in the first place. Let me assure you that, no matter how much they like you (which is not the same thing as respect), they behave differently when you are not there. I don't blame the students for this; it's completely age appropriate. But you, adult friend, are crazy if you think every sub can't tell who uses the "relationships as management" strategy. You have taught them that they only have to behave for someone they have a relationship with, and they don't have a relationship with most subs.

And that last part is actually the bigger issue I want to address. When you make this your classroom management strategy, you are actually teaching them something bigger and not at all beneficial for their lives outside your classroom. You have taught them that the only time good behavior is when they have a positive relationship with someone. And that may seem like a good idea if you are only thinking about them in terms of your class, but they will carry this attitude to other contexts. And carrying the attitude that they only have to do things for people they like will not serve them well outside of the school.

In their lives outside of the school building, there are many rules and few relationships. They will go to a public pool, where rules are posted, and the lifeguard doesn't play hacky sack with swimmers to build a relationship first. They will shop in stores where basic civil behavior is expected without the cashier getting down on their level and calling them by name. At some point in their lives, they will be pulled over by a police officer; and they will not be well served by the attitude of "I only obey the people I like who also like me" that you have instilled in them. 

I'm not suggesting that you become an ogre in your classroom; I wasn't. I'm not even saying that relationships don't matter; they do. But, they shouldn't be the basis of your classroom management strategy. What should be? Routines, procedures, and rules with predictable consequences. That's what it means to manage behavior, and it doesn't depend on anything mysterious.

I mentioned earlier that every sub can tell who uses relationships as their strategy. We can also tell who has consistent routines. The students in those classrooms don't exhibit perfect behavior; they are still kids, after all. But they come in knowing where to look for information and engaging in the opening routine from force of habit. Routines are so ingrained that they do them without thinking about them. Squishy feelings about relationships are inconsistent and transient. 

If they behave for you, but that doesn't translate to behaving for anyone else, you haven't taught them good behavior.