Reacting to Someone Else's Thoughts (You May Be Wrong)

I am going to start with a story that happened while I was in Boston for the Learning and the Brain Conference.  This has nothing to do with the conference.  It happened while I was walking from my hotel to the convention center at 7 am on Sunday morning.

I am a single woman, walking alone at an unusual time in a city with which I am not familiar.  For that reason, I was experiencing a little nervous energy.  I wasn't super anxious or afraid; it was just that low level of nerves that makes you alert to your surroundings and likely to evaluate every sound, shadow, and person on the street.  If you are a man reading this, you may not understand, but women do this any time we are out alone.  This level of alert vigilance is a gift of God that helps with our safety.

I was in this process of heightened evaluation when a man who I was about to pass on the sidewalk came to a complete stop.  My anxiety level spiked from the low level that makes you alert to the level of "I don't know what is about to happen, and it could be very, very bad." I quickened my step to get away from this situation a little faster, and I heard behind me a very irritated, "You're welcome."

Why am I sharing this story?  There are two reasons.

First, it is an interesting illustration of the differences between men and women.  When a man is walking alone, he is trying to get to a destination.  When a woman is walking alone, she is trying to not get attacked.  Women are not being paranoid; men are not being reckless.  It is just a function of how our experiences and environments differ in the world.  We probably can't understand this about each other, but we can accept it anyway.

Second, I think this could have a valuable application in our classrooms.  Let's revisit the thought processes of the two people in this story.
Context
- I was a single woman in an unfamiliar city and was, therefore, on the lookout for danger.  This was a thought that was already in my mind as I walked down the street.
- He was walking home on a Sunday morning.  There were no thoughts on his side that I might pose a threat to him.

Motivation
- He was attempting to do something nice (although I will say I think that is undercut by his expectation of being thanked for it).
- I was attempting to get to the convention center unharmed.

Assumption
- I assumed he had the potential to be dangerous.
- He assumed it was clear to me that he was not a danger (if he thought about it at all).

Timing
- It took me an extra 0.5 seconds after I passed him to realize that he was, in fact, stopping for my benefit.  I had to reverse directions in thinking and that takes a moment.  I would have certainly thanked him at that point if I had been able to.
- He already knew his motivation, so it took 0.0s for him to decide I was rude.

So, how does this apply to the classroom?  When conflicts arise, the reactions of both teacher and student are always based in context (which we usually think we are sharing but might not be), motivation (which are different between the two parties), assumptions (which we may or may not be right about), and timing (perhaps it takes the student an extra half-second to process what you meant, not just what you said).  Just like this man on the street and I had very different reactions to the same experience because neither of us knew what was going on in the other's mind, students and teachers may have very different reactions to each other.

Did you know that there is a part of your brain solely responsible for helping you construct a representation of other people's thoughts?  It helps you know when you have upset someone or see that the boy in your class likes you.  When it is accurate, it is quite helpful; but it can be wrong.  Sometimes, we process the input from a student incorrectly, and they interpret us incorrectly as well while both of us absolutely believe we are right. 

As the adult in the room, I am the one responsible for moderating my reaction.  I have the maturity to act, rather than just react that my 8th-grader may not have yet.  Perhaps, I should slow down and ask a student why they are reacting the way they are.  It will give me insight into, not only the conflict of that moment, but it might help me avoid future conflicts as well because I will have a better understanding of how they think.  Let's have the humility to doubt or own rightness is every situation.