Normalizing "I Don't Know"

I have spent my life as a highly opinionated person.  It's the result of being my father's daughter.  From whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie (yes) to the time I told a student he was eating his Oreo wrong (He just bit into the whole thing - who does that?), I have been able to summon an opinion on most things.

It seems, though, that as I have aged, I've recognized that there are issues that are more complex than I am qualified to parse in a knowledgeable way.  There are issues on which more information would help me make a decision on my opinion (statistics on the efficacy of exercise or test data on whether my students understood a specific point I taught them), but there are issues also for which no amount of information would qualify me because I don't possess the ability to interpret the information I would get.

As I write this, the Sunday morning shows are addressing the issue of reopening public schools for in-person instruction.  As an educator, and one who has been teaching in a hybrid model with the majority of my students in-person since August,  I have to tell you that I don't know what they should do.  While I understand the motivation of the parents who are holding "Reopen schools" signs outside of the governor's residence, I wonder if they realize that they don't have the full perspective of the complexities involved with asking kids to wear masks and social distance all day.  There are some teachers' unions who refuse to return until all of their teachers are vaccinated, and while I am gratefully looking forward to getting my shot, I have to wonder if those union leaders have looked at the data on those schools that are teaching in person without that protection.  The decision-makers have to balance the values of both the physical and mental health of students.  They have to look at the limited resources they have available.  They have to look at the age of the adults in the buildings, not just say "kids don't get it much."  They have to look at the differences in building-design (involving room size, ventilation, efficient temperature screening ability, and sanitation ability) within their districts.  They have to acknowledge that returning to school buildings after a year of at-home learning is going to involve its own kind of culture shock.  I am so grateful that I am not the one who has to make this decision, and I will, therefore, not criticize those who must make it.

My students have very strong opinions on things that don't matter.  They care about what direction the toilet paper roll hangs, how to pronounce the word caramel, whether a hot dog is a sandwich, how to squeeze a toothpaste tube, and how to say gif.  When things like "Laurel Yanni" go viral, they each believe what they hear is right, and anyone who hears the other thing is crazy.  They ask me these questions all the time, and, because I have been doing this a while, I know that my answer will make them think they are right.  Because of this, when they ask me how I pronounce caramel, I start by saying, "Before I tell you my answer, just know that the way I say it isn't the one right way.  There are regional differences, and neither pronunciation is wrong."  They don't like that answer because it isn't fun, but I do believe it is an important lesson.  The way I do it is the way I do it, not the one right way to do it.  To quote Sorkin, "The world is a more interesting place than that."  

For years, I have stated that social media turns us all into 7th graders.  Scroll through your newsfeed for a minute with this in mind, and you will see it.  The conversations we have over small things are exactly like those my middle schoolers have.  The conversations we have over big things make everyone think they must comment with their opinion, no matter how uninformed it is.  Occasionally, someone will acknowledge their lack of qualification before giving their intractable opinion, but I have never seen someone comment, "Since I am unqualified to have an opinion on this, I won't post one here."  

Even if you are not on social media, your kids see you yelling at the tv screen during the news, and you teach them to make quick judgments and stick to them no matter what contradictory evidence comes along.  We are adults, and we have to do better.  We have to show kids that we can hold strong opinions only after learning and that we are open to changing those opinions when other information is learned.  Don't think they aren't listening just because they don't look like they are paying attention.  They absorb far more than you think.

When I began my teaching career, the thing about me that shocked my students the most was when they asked a question, and my answer was, "I don't know."  That was a time in which many teachers felt their authority was undermined by saying they didn't know, so they rarely said it to students (that has, thankfully, changed).  My approach was that there was too much science for me to have it all in my head, so I would look it up for them or ask my colleagues and give them an answer the next day.  In my current situation at a one-to-one school, I can say, "I don't know, but that seems Googlable," and we usually have the answer in a few seconds for simple things.  For more complex things, we may Google something, and then I spend some time interpreting what we found and adding my own judgment to it.  I think this is important modeling because they need to see that the first thing that pops up on Google is sometimes enough, but it sometimes requires more.  Not all questions have equally simple answers.  A person can know a lot and not know everything, or they can know a lot about one thing and nothing about other things.  There have been decisions made by administrators in every school I have taught in that I disagreed with.  Students have asked me about those opinions, and my standard answer has been, "I would imagine that they have some information that you and I do not have."

There's a lot of complaining right now about the polarization of our society.  My favorite posts on that topic are the ones in which the poster blames the other party for the polarization (it's like we are irony-impaired).  The fix for polarization is so easy that I can give it to you in one sentence.  Are you ready?  Be willing to say "I do not know."  This is not a trick.   It really is that simple.  Be willing to acknowledge that there are people who know more than you do.  Be willing to say that, while you wouldn't make that decision, you understand they have reasons why they did.  Our leaders seem to think it makes them look weak, but it doesn't.  It shows strength of character.  

There is strength in saying, "I don't know."  Let's normalize that and watch what happens.

  

Reacting to Someone Else's Thoughts (You May Be Wrong)

I am going to start with a story that happened while I was in Boston for the Learning and the Brain Conference.  This has nothing to do with the conference.  It happened while I was walking from my hotel to the convention center at 7 am on Sunday morning.

I am a single woman, walking alone at an unusual time in a city with which I am not familiar.  For that reason, I was experiencing a little nervous energy.  I wasn't super anxious or afraid; it was just that low level of nerves that makes you alert to your surroundings and likely to evaluate every sound, shadow, and person on the street.  If you are a man reading this, you may not understand, but women do this any time we are out alone.  This level of alert vigilance is a gift of God that helps with our safety.

I was in this process of heightened evaluation when a man who I was about to pass on the sidewalk came to a complete stop.  My anxiety level spiked from the low level that makes you alert to the level of "I don't know what is about to happen, and it could be very, very bad." I quickened my step to get away from this situation a little faster, and I heard behind me a very irritated, "You're welcome."

Why am I sharing this story?  There are two reasons.

First, it is an interesting illustration of the differences between men and women.  When a man is walking alone, he is trying to get to a destination.  When a woman is walking alone, she is trying to not get attacked.  Women are not being paranoid; men are not being reckless.  It is just a function of how our experiences and environments differ in the world.  We probably can't understand this about each other, but we can accept it anyway.

Second, I think this could have a valuable application in our classrooms.  Let's revisit the thought processes of the two people in this story.
Context
- I was a single woman in an unfamiliar city and was, therefore, on the lookout for danger.  This was a thought that was already in my mind as I walked down the street.
- He was walking home on a Sunday morning.  There were no thoughts on his side that I might pose a threat to him.

Motivation
- He was attempting to do something nice (although I will say I think that is undercut by his expectation of being thanked for it).
- I was attempting to get to the convention center unharmed.

Assumption
- I assumed he had the potential to be dangerous.
- He assumed it was clear to me that he was not a danger (if he thought about it at all).

Timing
- It took me an extra 0.5 seconds after I passed him to realize that he was, in fact, stopping for my benefit.  I had to reverse directions in thinking and that takes a moment.  I would have certainly thanked him at that point if I had been able to.
- He already knew his motivation, so it took 0.0s for him to decide I was rude.

So, how does this apply to the classroom?  When conflicts arise, the reactions of both teacher and student are always based in context (which we usually think we are sharing but might not be), motivation (which are different between the two parties), assumptions (which we may or may not be right about), and timing (perhaps it takes the student an extra half-second to process what you meant, not just what you said).  Just like this man on the street and I had very different reactions to the same experience because neither of us knew what was going on in the other's mind, students and teachers may have very different reactions to each other.

Did you know that there is a part of your brain solely responsible for helping you construct a representation of other people's thoughts?  It helps you know when you have upset someone or see that the boy in your class likes you.  When it is accurate, it is quite helpful; but it can be wrong.  Sometimes, we process the input from a student incorrectly, and they interpret us incorrectly as well while both of us absolutely believe we are right. 

As the adult in the room, I am the one responsible for moderating my reaction.  I have the maturity to act, rather than just react that my 8th-grader may not have yet.  Perhaps, I should slow down and ask a student why they are reacting the way they are.  It will give me insight into, not only the conflict of that moment, but it might help me avoid future conflicts as well because I will have a better understanding of how they think.  Let's have the humility to doubt or own rightness is every situation.