Don't Weigh Down Their Flight

It's that time of year when my social media feed fills with pictures of kids off to their first day of school.  From kindergarten to seniors, they are posed with their backpacks and first-day outfits.  College students pose, sitting on their dorm room beds, and those who have decided to enter the workforce pose standing in front of their place of business.  Kids of all ages smile at the future they are about to enter.

Among these happy photos, there are always a few moms who insist on making the moment about them.  They post about how much they cried and how tragic it is that their lives are about to change.  They beg for the sympathy of their social network, and they get it.  Dozens of hang-in-there comments and hundreds of sad face emojis make them feel affirmed, but they don't recognize that they are taking the joy away from their child.  You think it shows them you love them, but that's for you, not them.

Don't misunderstand.  I'm not saying you don't have the right to your feelings, and sadness is natural when your child leaves home.  But, there is a difference between your child seeing your tears as they wave goodbye and the repeated stab that comes from seeing it over and over online.  The former is something the child can absorb, knowing their parents love them, and then choose to set aside as they head off to classes.  The latter keeps popping up because when the post gets another heart or comment, it pops right back up to the top of the newsfeed.  Over and over, the child is reminded that their normal and natural development is a source of pain to their parents.  They did the right thing, the thing they were told to do, the thing they were trained to do, even the thing they were pushed to do; but the repeated exposure to their parents' sadness makes them feel like they have done something wrong.

These posts always remind me of the time I worked in a daycare.  Most of the parents brought their kids in, got them settled, and waved goodbye with a happy smile and a "Have fun at school.  See you later."  They may have expressed sadness when they got in the car, but they made their child secure in having fun with their friends.  There were a few, however, that couldn't leave until they had made their child cry.  They'd leave the room and stand at the window, looking sad.  They would find a reason to return, sometimes multiple times.  Each time, they would go and interrupt their child's play, speaking them in a gloomy tone.  It was like they needed to know that their child was sad to see them leave.  A happy, well-adjusted child didn't make them feel needed, so they had to make their baby miserable in order to feel whole.

A few years ago, a teacher at our school discovered a live webcam of an eagle's next in Minnesota.  For months, we watched these birds sit on eggs, covered in snow and fighting the wind.  When the eggs hatched, dad flew off to find food.  He brought back fish and rabbits.  Mom stripped the meat off of them and fed them to the open mouths of the eaglets.  About 10 weeks after hatching, the mother started doing something weird.  She started removing things from the next.  She took out the downy feathers and dropped them over the edge.  She pulled at the nest with her beak, making the bed less comfortable.  These moves made the eaglets restless, and they started moving toward the edge.  A week or two later, they perched on the edge and started making their flights.

Imagine if that mother eagle, after all the preparations she made for the flight of their babies, stepped on their wing.  What if she rode on their back because she wanted to them to stay close to the nest?  The well-prepared, properly-developed eagles wouldn't be able to accomplish that for which they were designed.

I'm not saying you can't be sad.  Of course, you are sad.  I'm not saying you shouldn't cry.  Of course, you will cry.  I'm not even saying they can't see you cry.  It would be a little strange if your child thought you didn't care that they were leaving home.  What I am saying is that you can't make every phone call about your tears instead of their news, and you should keep your social media posts joyful.  They shouldn't have to keep seeing your tears over and over, or you will weigh down the very flight you have spent two decades preparing them for.