Don't Cause Your Own Stress

This week, we had our first community-building group of the school year.  My group is 8th graders, and the deans had given us a little activity.  Students were given the outline of a t-shirt that was divided into squares that were meant to be filled in with favorites - favorite color, fruit, song, movie, etc.  For most students, this was what it was meant to be, a fun activity.  

One student stressed over it the whole time. 

• "Do I have to do it?"  Well, yes, this is what we are doing today.  
• "Can I just write words in the square?"  Some of them could be that, but maybe make the words fun.  The example shows how you can do that.
• "I can't draw."  No one is looking for great artwork.  Just have fun with it.

She finally gave it a half-hearted effort and did a pretty good job, but what I noticed was how she turned something that was meant to be relaxing into a stressful experience because she couldn't see how she could enjoy something even if she wasn't awesome at it.  She created her own stress because of her performative way of thinking.

This experience brought to mind a student that I had a few years ago who created her own stress in a different way.  Every day in middle school contains good moments and bad moments, events that make you smile and events you find mildly irritating.  Most students ride the waves of these small ups and downs pretty smoothly because they react to minor things in minor ways (and with some exceptions - they are hormonal after all - save the major reactions for major upsets).  This student, however, turned the little waves of the day into tidal events.  The slightest annoyance, like a student behind her putting their feet on her chair legs, was met with a dramatic response.  One day, I said to her, "I'm going to need you to learn how to level your responses.  You react to everything at a level 9 or 10, and that was a 2 at best."  

When I joined the Y in March, or every new class I took, I approached the instructor and said, "I've never done this before.  What do I need to know?"  Most instructors answered me with information - how to set my bike, what size weights I would need, etc.  These were all important, but the best answer came when I took cardio kickboxing for the first time and approached Matt with that question.  He said, "Well, first of all, don't take yourself too seriously."  This was good advice for someone who was about to execute every move incorrectly.  If I thought I had to be good at everything to enjoy it, I would never have found this source of joy in my life.

Life is stressful in a lot of ways, but we don't have to make it more stressful for ourselves.  Stop thinking everything is bigger than it is, more important than it is.  Enjoy things for the sake of doing them rather than the outcome.  Let the stress you experience come from external sources.  Don't make rules for yourself that cause your more stress.