Change, Loss, and Why Your Brain Hates It

According to recent surveys, the most common sources of stress include divorce, the death of a loved one, job loss, marriage, retirement, having a child, starting a job, losing a job, and moving.  Some of these are obvious.  The death of a loved one and divorce involve irreplaceable loss, which leads to heartbreak as I wrote about earlier.  Others seem inconsistent - losing a job and starting a job produce fairly equal stress.  Getting married, having a child, and moving all seem like they should be good things, and they are, yet they make this list.  

Why?

Because change is stressful.  All change.  Even the best changes in the world.  

Again, why?

Your brain has thousands of functions, from processing sensory information and telling your diaphragm to move regularly to thinking about the sentence coming out of your mouth to planning for dinner.  

While it has thousands of functions, it has only one job.  Keeping you alive.  

As such, your brain really likes the status quo.  Whatever may be going on your life right now, you are alive.  To quote Dr. Deborah Gilboah, in her 2021 Learning and the Brain Conference Keynote speech, "When change happens, even good changes, your brains say, 'Cool. Cool.  Could ya' die, though."  So, moving is stressful, even if you have the money to pay for your dream house, because you brain is wondering why you would move out of your current house when you are alive in it.  You could be standing at the altar, looking at the best thing that has ever happened to you, heart totally full of love, and your brain will be screaming, "But as a single person, you were alive! Why are you messing with that?!?"

There are a few things you can do to help yourself through the stress of change, and it is not to say something like, "The only thing constant in life is change."  It's not even necessarily to think about the good things that could result from the change.  That's not going to help your change-resistant brain because those are changes too.  

• One thing is to minimize how much dwelling you do.  You have to think about the changes sometimes because they require planning, but it is helpful not to persevere on the fearful thoughts that take you down the rabbit hole of what happens six steps down the road.  When that enters your mind, have healthy distractions (music, crossword puzzles, knitting - whatever works for you).  Setting boundaries on what you think about is possible, but it requires discipline.
• Another option is to minimize how much change happens at one time to the extent that you can control it.  If you are buying a house, it might not be the best time to take on a promotion at work, even one that would lead to more money.  Perhaps find out if one of those things could be put off for six months or so.  It's not always possible to prevent some of the changes from happening, but where you can, you should prevent them from piling up.
• Even when a lot of things are changing, a lot of things aren't.  Remind your brain of the things that will remain consistent.  I'm changing careers right now, and much is changing; but I can remind my brain that we will still come to the same house at the end of the day to the same cat we've had for years.  Reminding my brain that much of what I have in the state where I am currently alive will remain.
• The best thing you can do when change is stressful is to remind yourself that the last change you experienced didn't kill you.  That change had a neuroplastic effect on your brain cells, and reinforcing that can help your brain remember that there is a range of variables in which it can and has remained alive.

With all that said, your brain is going to find the change stressful no matter what you do to help it out, so you may just have to grit your teeth and hang on tightly through it, knowing you won't die even when your brain thinks it might.