Thanksgiving - Parents

  Every November, I use this blog to express my gratitude for those people in my past who have formed the educator I am today.  These have mostly been teachers I had in middle and high school.  I am continually thankful for formative people, but this year, I want to express my gratitude for the people who are currently in my educational life.  I will do this in three posts because I am thankful for my current administration, the parents of my students, and the colleagues with whom I share my daily life.  This post will be about the parents who send their students to GRACE Christian School, especially those who I have taught during the pandemic.

If you asked teachers to rank their challenges in educating students, dealing with parents would likely rank high on the list.  We all want to view the parents of students as partners in their child's education, but it can be hard because our perspectives are very, very different.  Parents have a small number of kids to deal with, but they are their own.  They have to deal with the homework meltdowns and the lost games and the sibling relationships.  They know their individual child's strengths and weaknesses, which they have feelings of pride and guilt about (even if they shouldn't).  Teachers have a large number of kids to deal with, but we get to send them away from us at the end of the day.  While we love them a lot, it is folly to pretend that our relationship with them is the same as that of their parents.  We have some pretty specific goals for them, but we haven't had those goals since they were in diapers.  Neither of these perspectives is wrong, but because they are different, it can lead to conflict in a meeting.  When I was younger, I was often told, "You're not a parent, so you'll never understand."  (Side note:  That's a fundamentally mean thing to say to a person who is has chosen a career in which understanding kids is crucial, so you should find a different way to express to the teacher that you have different perspectives.)  What I wanted to respond was, "You have one kid.  You'll never understand." (but I didn't because, you know, professionalism)  Twitter is where a lot of educators go to vent their frustrations (which I'll never understand because, you know, professionalism), so if you look at their posts, you will often see a lot of complaints about lack of support and unrealistic expectations and even some fringe-y people who basically think they should be able to take over for the parents entirely.

This wasn't meant to be a post about why parents and teachers sometimes have conflicts.  I said all that to set up my gratitude in contrast to the adversarial relationship and lack of trust that shows up in a lot of these online discussions.  The vast majority of parents I have dealt with (especially in the last three years) have been supportive and helpful.

While the world looks at 2020 as the year the world fell apart, I am reminded that for GRACE, 2019 was no picnic either.  When we lost one of our students that February, the GRACE community showed what it does best.  They rallied around each other, engaging in a time of corporate grief.  Flowers were sent.  Love and grace were extended from every direction.  Weeks later, a parent of a senior wrote to me and said, "I wanted to let you know that I am specifically praying for you.  I'm praying for all the teachers generally, but I am specifically praying for you."  What do you say in response to that level of kindness?  She recognized that the lost student was in my class, and even though her son (who I taught) didn't know the girl, she was supportive of me.  In April of that same year, we were on the 8th grade Washington DC trip, when we received some sad news.  Again, the parents on that trip rallied to support us.  One mom just pulled three of us into a circle and said, "We're going to pray now."  A dad on the trip said, "I just want to fix it for everyone."  

When we went into lockdown in March of 2020, our culture praised teachers for their response as parents realized how challenging it was to teach their own children.  In the general public, that support lasted about a month.  Then (again on Twitter, which I recognize isn't a random sample of the population, but it is what I see most), I began seeing teachers talk about unrealistic expectations from their parents, demands at all hours of the night and day, complaints about the teacher's expectations, methods, and practices.  It seemed that a month is what the world thought was a good amount of time to have "figured this out."  While I was reading all of this from far-flung educators, I went to my mailbox and found hand-written notes of support from parents.  I got thank you emails for the efforts we were making for kids.  At last year's graduation ceremony, parents applauded when the teachers stepped into the aisle for the recessional.

It's not like a never get an unreasonable request or a parent whose perspective rubs against my own.  That's always happened, and it is always going to.  What I have considered, however, as I compare my experience with those of others is that they view their relationships with parents (and administrators) as adversarial.  Those teachers don't trust the parents of their students, and they assume those parents don't trust them.  My experience is far different because, for the vast majority of my students and their parents, there is a basis of trust. Even when conflicts arise, we are able to engage in problem-solving with a belief that the other wants what is best for the student.  Four years ago, I met with a parent because her daughter's paper appeared to be plagiarized.  The mom pointed to the introductory paragraph and said, "Yeah, I wrote that part."  I fell into laughter because you can't stay mad at someone who is that willing to own the problem.  We talked for a long time that day, and I made a friend.  When she asked if her child should re-write the paper, and I said, "How about I just don't give her any points for the first paragraph (because she actually had written the rest of it herself, which was obvious from the change in level), she said, "Yes, that sounds right."  That's not how I expected that meeting to go, but I've always been grateful that it did.

Parents of GRACE students.  We know that you are sending us your best kids and trusting us to do right for them.  We take that responsibility seriously, and we are so grateful for your extraordinary level of support.