The Gift of Imposter's Syndrome

Every adult has been there.  You walk into your job on the first day or third month or seventh year and start to wonder if you really know what you are doing.  Have I actually been getting away with this?  Do people actually think I know what I am doing?  This phenomenon is known as Imposter's Syndrome when it interferes with the ability to live normally. 

I have heard people from a variety of fields talk about this feeling.  Hank and John Green, the renowned YouTube content creators and authors, discuss their battles with it in their online videos.  I have heard a lot of tech professionals talk about their feelings of inferiority as the field changes so rapidly that it is difficult to keep up.  People early in a medical career often feel this way as the comparison with their peers is ingrained in their education.  Emma Watson told Rookie Magazine, “It’s almost like the better I do, the more my feeling of inadequacy actually increases, because I’m just going, ‘Any moment, someone’s going to find out I’m a total fraud, and that I don’t deserve any of what I’ve achieved."  See this list that shows even Meryl Streep and Tom Hanks feel this way.  If after all their awards and attention, these amazing actors feel like frauds, what hope is there for the rest of us?

As a teacher, I have a mild panic attack every August.  I wonder if it is possible I forgot how to teach during the summer.  It's been ten weeks since I have been in the classroom, after all.  Maybe I will walk in on the first day and forget how to keep all the science I know.  For years, I had some pretty frightening dreams about this, with scenes right out of Dangerous Minds (why don't I ever dream of Dead Poets' Society?) because I no longer have the ability to manage behavior.  A couple of years ago, I almost called another yearbook teacher to ask if she ever forgot how to do it because I was relatively certain that I didn't know how to make a yearbook after ten years of making yearbooks.  

There are times when this is a toxic experience, especially if it comes from a place of insecurity or fear or what other people think of you.  Sometimes, it is misplaced pride.  Other times, it is legitimate humility, a much-needed quality in the world in which we live.  While it is unpleasant for the person experiencing it, I submit to you that it is a good thing in small and temporary doses.  

Imposter's Syndrome can drive us to improve if we handle it correctly.  It can cause us to focus on providing value in our jobs and relationships.  It can make us actually become better in an attempt to feel better.  With the understanding that I am in no way an expert, I offer the following advice that has helped me.

1.  Own your mistakes.  If you feel like a fraud, it could be because you have been trying to make everyone think you are perfect, which of course no one is.  While I don't recommend running around advertising all of your weaknesses to everyone, admitting them out loud to trusted friends can be helpful.  They may encourage you, laugh at how seriously you are taking it, or give you advice on how to improve.

2.  Engage in professional development.  Nothing makes you feel better about your job than getting better at your job.  Take a class.  Attend a seminar.  Read a book to improve some specific skill.  You will know that you are making the effort to improve, which helps reduce the feeling of being a fraud.

3.  Make a list.  Okay, this is the kind of nerd I am.  I am a list person - to do lists, grocery lists, pro and con lists.  I like seeing things clearly laid out.  Make a list of things you are certain you are good at.  Make another list of skills you would like to improve.  It helps to visually see that there actually are good reasons for your success as well as recognizing that you can always improve.  Then, do what you need to do to move something from the second list to the first.

4.  Recognize others.  Recognize what is good in your peers.  If you talk to them, you might find that they are also not sure of their value.  If you see good in them while they don't, you might realize that the same is happening in the other direction.

5.  Keep faking it.  Faking it doesn't make you a fraud.  It makes you a person who is trying.  If you ever learned to play an instrument, you know that it took thousands of hours of really bad practice to become even moderately good.  You may have felt like it would never happen, but as a person continues to fake it (also called practice), the brain adapts and improves at the skill.  When you learned to walk, you fell a lot.  That didn't make you a fraudulent walker; it made you a baby learning a new skill.  This is also true in your adult life.  Faking it leads to growth, so keep doing it.

This blog sometimes causes or alleviates my own experience with Imposter's Syndrome.  Whether I am happy that I have something to offer or confused by the idea of anyone reading, I keep writing.  Some posts may help a new teacher or encourage a veteran teacher, and that makes me happy.  Some posts may only help me, and I can be okay with that too.  Don't put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect, and you might no feel like you are pulling the wool over the eyes of everyone around you.

Can Any Good Thing Come From Nazareth?

The inscription on the Statue of Liberty reads, "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"  For 241 years, our country has been a place where people came to make a better life for themselves and their families, as Emma Lazarus' lovely poem memorializes.  We have taken in those who needed help, due in no small part to our Judeo-Christian roots and Biblical commands to take care of the poor and take in the refugee.

A week ago, President Trump's comment on people from Haiti and many African countries reflected that he wants to change that culture.  He wants to make immigration policy based on "merit."  When he said that he wanted more people from places like Norway, he didn't just mean that he wanted more white people (although, seriously, could he have chosen a whiter place?) but that he wanted people with something to offer.  If he passed his ideal policy, America would no longer be the friend that helps you clean up your house after a flood.  America would be the friend that helps you move only if you helped him and are willing to buy him dinner afterward.  Everyone has that friend, but no one likes him.  

I have come to expect this from President Trump, so it is difficult to be disappointed in him.  What I am disappointed by are the number of people that I know and love, people who claim to love Jesus and want to follow His example, who defend this attitude.  I have friends who immediately posted about the long history of presidents using foul language.  While true, I don't know when adults decided that something was acceptable as long as other people had done it too.  I have friends who were quick to sidestep the issue by complaining that the media isn't reporting on rising stock market or companies who are bringing jobs back.  Again, these things are true, but how does doing one thing right make another thing less reprehensible?  I have friends who jumped totally on board with the Norway portion of his comments, exclaiming how glad they are to "finally" have a president who wanted to bring people here who could help us.  I think these are the people who bother me the most because it shows that they share his "America first" attitude and are proud to abandon any concept of our melting pot history in the name of cold, hard greed.  Some of you that are reading this are offended by this statement, and I'm fine with that; but if you love Jesus, let me ask you to set aside your offense for just a minute and consider something about Jesus.

Jesus was born in poverty and adopted by a working tradesman.  His parents fled with him to Egypt as refugees from a king that was paranoid and unstable.  He grew up in Nazareth, a town of around 500 people.  It may have had one public bath at the time of Jesus earthly ministry.  It is seldom mentioned in the historical record outside of scripture, from which most people infer that it was considered too trivial a place to mention.  This appears to be supported by the statement of the not yet disciple, Nathaniel to Phillip, when he said, "Can any good thing come out of Nazareth?"  To borrow the phrase of President Trump, Nazareth was a "s#*!hole country."  Jesus offered no skill that would cause people to think He had merit.  He was exactly the kind of person President Trump's policies seek to exclude.  How many people missed the Messiah because of their expectations, their prejudice, and their self-centered attitudes?  How many people would have preferred that their Messiah come from the ancient equivalent of Norway?  

William Holman Hunt - Nazareth.jpg." Wikimedia Commons, the free media repository. 23 Mar 2017, 18:37 UTC. 22 Jan 2018

My blog is supposed to be about education, and so far this post has been political and religious meddling.  So, here is my application to the classroom, at least the Christian school classroom.  We must teach our kids that EVERY person on this planet, no matter where they are from, is a creation of God who carries His image.  We must teach them that EVERY person on this planet, no matter what their skill level, was created with a unique purpose.  We must teach them that EVERY person is a fallen sinner in need of a savior (yes, everyone, including me and you).  God doesn't have an America first policy; He so loved the world that He sent His Son.  If we are going to view people the way God views them, we must love the world.

The kids we teach will soon vote.  One day, some of them will be responsible for making immigration policy.  We owe it to the future to teach them now to view people the way God does.  Viewing people as God views them will not make immigration policy less complex; there will always be more need than resources.  Viewing people as God views them will not even make immigration policy easier; difficult decisions will always have to be made about how to allocate resources.  These are thorny issues that deserve thoughtful discussion.  Viewing people as God views them, however, should make those discussions more compassionate.  Start those discussions in YOUR classroom.

Statue of Liberty Poem - "The New Colossus." Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, 18 Jan. 2018. Web. 22 Jan. 2018.

Don't Stop Paying Attention

It's January, which means returning from Christmas to my favorite chapter.  The unit I teach on manned space exploration is not only my favorite, but it is usually their favorite as well.

One of the best resources I have in teaching this chapter is the excellent HBO Mini-Series, From the Earth to the Moon.  While there isn't time to show all 12 episodes, I have carefully selected three that enhance the flow of the unit.  The first episode, "Can We Do This?" sets the stage by taking the viewer all the way from Yuri Gagarin to the introduction of the Apollo 1 astronauts.  The second one that I show them is "Mare Tranquilatis," the episode when Armstrong and Aldrin actually land, usually prompting my students to feel sorry for Michael Collins more than anything.  The third is episode 10, "Galileo Was Right."  Someday, I will write a post entirely about that episode because it is my absolute favorite.  For right now, I want to address something in "Mare Tranquilatis."

Shortly after landing on the moon, Buzz Aldrin tells Neil Armstrong that there is something he would like to do and has cleared with Deke (the head of the astronaut corps).  He reaches into a velcro pocket and pulls out a small chalice and communion wafer and a handwritten card with two scriptures written on it.  Given that the Apollo 8 astronauts had been sued by famed atheist activist, Madalyn Murray O'Hair, Buzz gave a rather vague statement over the public radio broadcast, saying, “I would like to request a few moments of silence … and to invite each person listening in, wherever and whomever they may be, to pause for a moment and contemplate the events of the past few hours, and to give thanks in his or her own way.”

Neil Armstrong then respectfully looked on while Aldrin quietly read John 15:5, "I am the vine.  You are the branches.  He who abides in me and I in him will bear much fruit,  for you can do nothing without me."  (By the way, the members of his church, Webster Presbyterian in Texas, home church of many astronauts, gathered at the same time to join him in communion.)

I have seen this video over 60 times, but this year, something struck me in this scene that I had never noticed before.  The passage ends, "Without me, you can do nothing."  For the first time, it hit me how profound this statement was in the context of what they had just done.  These two had just landed the lunar module, a feat that some had previously believed to be impossible.  Yet, moments later, Buzz reminded himself and his commander that this event was only possible by the grace of God.

When you teach for many years, it can be hard to imagine that you haven't heard everything.  The moment you think that, a student asks a question you've never been asked.  It can be tempting to think you know your subject so well that you won't need to alter it.  I don't know about every subject, but I can assure that isn't true in science.  It's always changing.  It's hard to imagine that you could notice something new in a video you have watched over five dozen times, but you can.  Teachers, don't check out when showing a video.  They are filled with teachable moments.  Don't stop learning from the world around you and the way your students interact with it.  In short, don't stop paying attention.

Awareness of the Moment

In the penultimate episode of The Office, Andy Bernard says,

"I wish there was a way to know you are in the good old days while you are still in them."  

I love that line.  It makes me cry every time I watch it.  (Disclaimer:  I'm kind of a sap, so everyone's last line on that show makes me cry.)  Nostalgia has long been one of my favorite feelings because I think it is really the gratitude we feel when we recognize the patterns of God's providence in our lives, so I totally love this sentiment from Andy.

Here's the thing; if you pay attention, you can know.  You just have to be careful to pay attention to the moment you are in.  I learned this life lesson from my sixth-grade teacher, Tom Dorrin.  Neither one of us knew it at the time.

The Teacher Who Changed My Personality
Until sixth grade, I was a crybaby and a touch-me-not.  We didn't have the word "triggered" then, but if we had, mine was a hair trigger.  Today, I might be called a snowflake.  I cried at the drop of a hat even if I had to drop the hat.  Say the wrong thing to me or look at me sideways, and I was that kid who would run crying to the teacher or my mom.  Once, when I was in college, I was babysitting a child who was like that, and I called my mom to apologize and thank her for letting me live to adulthood.

Here's where Mr. Dorrin enters the story.  At this time, sixth grade was still considered elementary school, so I had one teacher all day.  For this particular teacher, affection was shown by teasing.  If he liked you, he picked on you.  He loved me.  He had taught my brother and liked our family, so he teased me a lot.  He teased me so much that another child's mom reprimanded him for it at the conference for her child (I found this out much later and wished I could have told her to mind her own child's business).  You may be thinking, like this mom did, that it was horrible for him to pick on me, especially given how sensitive I was to being teased.  If you are thinking this, you are wrong.  This was the best thing that could have happened at this time in my life.  He taught me not to take everything so seriously, particularly myself.  He taught me that only people who love you will take the time to tease you; other people will ignore you.  I'm not sure I would have developed the appropriate personality for teaching middle school if it hadn't been for this man.

I didn't recognize that this massive change was being made in my life until I was in the eighth grade and had a chance to reflect on how I was different.  The problem was that he had left our school at the end of my seventh-grade year.  He left to work for IBM, which we used to say stood for "I've Been Moved."  There wasn't social media or even an internet yet, so tracking people down wasn't an easy thing to do.  "He'll never know," I thought.  "He's made this big difference in my life, and I can't tell him."

The Promise I Made to Myself
I was incredibly bothered that he would never know how important he had been in my life.  That's when I made myself a promise.  I would not let that happen again.  I would keep my eyes open for the impact people had on me so that I could recognize it sooner than I had with Mr. Dorrin.  I would be aware of their contribution to my life and let them know it as soon as possible.

If you have ever gotten a card or letter from me, thanking you for what you have done in my life, this is why.  As a department chair, I write notes to my people, thanking them for the work they put into a great class.  This is why.  My colleagues know that I consider our "Shout Out Meeting" at the end of the year sacrosanct.  This is why.  I cannot let the year end without you knowing the impact you are having on the people around you, especially me.  This lost opportunity raised my attention level, seeking out awareness of being in "the good old days" while I am still in them.

An Even Better Feeling
While I was preparing to introduce and thank another former teacher with my colleagues on Wednesday (read that story here), I knew that this was an opportunity most people don't get in their lives.  I rehearsed it a lot because I wanted it to be exactly right.  As I stood on the stage, I realized that I was having a feeling that is even better than nostalgia.    I didn't have to wait until the experience was over and look back on it to realize it was special.  I could take in every aspect of the moment and appreciate it because I was aware of how special it was as I was doing it.  I had so many feelings that it was like my heart wasn't big enough to hold them all.  I don't know the name for the feeling, so I'm going to call it "instant nostalgia."  This is my new favorite feeling, and all it takes is the discipline to pay attention.

Lasting Influence

I know I have already posted three times in the last seven days, but I have to talk about what I got to do today.  I'm pretty sure it's an opportunity that most people don't get. I got to thank a teacher who was important in my life, and I got to do it with the people who are important in my life now, who are also teachers.

We returned to school after our Christmas break to a teacher workday.  At GRACE, that means we start the day with a little breakfast, a few worship songs, and a devotion.  I got to introduce our devotional speaker, who was my science teacher during my freshman year.  I spent much of Christmas break figuring out and rehearsing what I planned to say because this man has influenced my life so much, and I wanted to do justice to his influence.  I didn't cry when I rehearsed it at home, but I did get choked up while I was speaking.  If it weren't for the bright stage lights interfering with my vision, I'm not sure I could have gotten through it.

I teach the same course that this man taught me, so I think about him often.  My own students benefit from his teaching because I use some of those same elements today.  He was patient with approximately 1.27 million questions I asked him, which reminds me to be patient with my own students.  My memories of his godly influence have even helped me to figure out how to reveal the gospel in my classes.  I was in his class in the 1990/1991 school year, so we are talking about an influence that has lasted 27 years.

After his excellent devotion about the woman who wept on the feet of Jesus and wiped them with her tears, my former student and current colleague introduced herself to him.  It was like having three generations of teachers even though we aren't related, and it was a really special moment.

I've had a very full heart all day, and I've been reflecting a lot this evening while waiting for the snow that just doesn't want to arrive.  We talk a lot about the influence of teachers, but today really reminded me of just how long lasting that impact can be.  My students, who have never met this man, are still benefitting from the influence of his ministry.  Hannah's students may benefit from it as well because she got at least a tiny bit from me.  When I tweeted a picture of him from this morning with a comment about it, comments from many of his former students came in about his influence in their lives.  Many of them are parents and/or teachers who are passing his faithfulness along to those they influence.  We have the opportunity, every time God puts someone in front of us, to give them something that they may then give to someone else.  While today was all about the good influence that has lasted in my life, it also reminded me to be careful of the opposite because that influence can be long term as well.  Take every opportunity to be patient, kind, joyful, and helpful in your interactions with others, especially kids.  You have no idea how far it may travel.

Don't Ask Kids About Presents

As a teacher, when we return to school after Christmas break, we have to be extra positive.  The students have been out for two weeks.  Depending on where you live, it is likely so cold that the air makes your face hurt; but you must venture out early in the morning to go to school.  You know the kids are likely to be a little negative, so you look for the most positive thing you can to talk about.

Often, you end up asking kids something like, "What's your favorite thing you got for Christmas?"  I'm going to respectfully ask that no matter where you teach, you find something else to ask.  

Why You Should NOT Ask About Their Break

I learned this lesson quickly while teaching in public school.  Most of my students loved any kind of break from school, but for a few, coming to school was their break.  I had students who were abused, students in poverty, students who didn't know where their next meal was coming from.  School was a refuge from a terrible home life with an alcoholic parent or an incarcerated brother.  In the days before a break, they were nervous rather than excited, but they didn't want to tell other students that; so they put on that tense smile that means, "Please, change the subject."  Returning from breaks was a relief for them, for the most part, but when people started talking about trips or favorite presents or meals, it was just a reminder of what they didn't have.

Perhaps you work in a private school and think that you don't have kids who live in poverty.  First of all, don't be so sure.  There are people who want their kids in private school so much that they cut back on everything else to make it happen.  But, even if your kids have money, it doesn't mean their home life is out of Currier and Ives.  For some, wealth has been accumulated at the expense of time with family, and things are used as a substitute for attention.  Talking about Christmas presents may seem safe with them because they have so much stuff, but that discussion often just reminds them that their relationships are about stuff.  

What SHOULD You Talk About

So, what do you do when you want to be positive and engage students as they return from break?  Think about what YOUR relationship with your students is about.  Unless you have a very strange relationship with kids, it isn't about their home life.  Your relationship is not and should not ever be about their stuff.  Your relationship with your students is about education.  Talk about how excited you are to be back at school with them and the plans you have for the semester.  Tell them what your favorite chapter is during the coming semester.  If you are really confident, have them write down questions for which they have always wanted an answer (You might want to give them specific instructions about limits on these questions, trust me).  Do an activity with them that foreshadows the things they will be learning.  Make it about the learning.